Lord, may I love like you do
“Lord, may I love like you do”
God works through all things. When I submitted this motto to google classroom I thought it would be easier to forget. I didn't really have anything in mind that I wanted to reflect on or any specific area of my faith life that I wanted to grow in. And when I had to reflect on “what I wanted my pilgrimage to be about” I wrote down the first thing that popped into my head. It was daunting -- what do you want this pilgrimage to be about. How am I supposed to know what God is calling me to change? It’s impossible to know His designs, so why am I wasting my time trying to guess what He’ll reveal to me? My solution to this was to quickly turn something in and forget about it. It wasn't until we were in Rome for a day or two that I realized just how important Mr. Cole thought these mottos were to the pilgrimage.
In the early evening of our second day on pilgrimage, we went to the Church of the Gesu. This was the church I had done my presentation on in class, so when we got there I went straight to the things I thought I would want to see. Inside the church are the right arm of St. Francis Xavier -- one of the cofounders of the Jesuit order -- and the tomb of St. Ignatius. After visiting those two places in the church, I checked my phone for the time. 15 minutes had passed since we entered the church and I thought I had seen everything. Wondering how I should kill the rest of the time, I saw one of my best friends sitting in a pew a few feet from me and writing in his journal. I thought to myself. I’ve always had this cliche dream of having a spiritual journal, filled from cover to cover with the most amazing spiritual insights, that would someday be read by millions of people. Well, I wasn't exactly there in the process just yet. I had only written one page in the last three months. So I asked Jacob, the friend I had now sat down next to, what do you write in your journal? Is it all just prayers? Or do you just reflect on your day? Or do you just write whatever your thinking about? His answer was that his journal was a combination of those things. I began to think of my idea of what I wanted my journal to be. I said to myself, forget that I’m just going to start writing whatever I want. So I began to write what I was thinking about. Reflecting on this moment now, I can definitely say that my thoughts were guided by the grace of God. I thought I would be able to summarize my thoughts here, but I think the best way to share my thoughts is to just give them to you directly. Here is the excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that day:
There is a desire in my heart for love. A burning passion and longing for someone to share every second of every day with. I know God has placed it in me. I know that it is a calling from Him for me to pour myself into this loving relationship. However, I don't know who I am being called towards. Is this a call to the married life, or God telling me that He wants to play that role in my life. It seems senseless to be wandering if God can really satisfy that desire because of course He can. He is the one source of genuine, true, perfect love. But I find myself wondering if He really can. Well, not so much that, but if I am really capable of receiving that love. In my mind, love is manifested through physical means. You can have a conversation with someone you love, enjoy being in their presence, and know that they love you by their actions. Can God provide these things? I have been taught that he can. Prayer is a conversation with, adoration is quite literally being in His presence, and of course the creator of all things good and holy has given me an infinite amount of things I am grateful for. I think these doubts surfacing are because I think I understand love well enough. Maybe I am not sure that God can provide that love for me because I haven't experienced it like I have human love. Since I don't think I have experienced it to its fullest, it is harder for me to trust in its reality. This doesn't sit well with me. The thought that I am doubting God’s love feels wrong. I know it's real. I have felt it. And yet, how quickly I forget. God is calling me to open myself up to Him more than I every have. To commit myself more firmly than I ever have. After all, I have been hearing for years about how sweet and satisfying the love of God is. Why am I so apprehensive to truly seek it? Love is not give and take. Love is all give regardless if you receive anything from the other person. Yes God loves me more than anyone on earth possibly could, but in order to fully receive that love, I need to love Him. In order to have those conversations with Him, I must pray. In order to spend time with Him, I must spend time with Him in adoration. And in order to know that He really loves me through His actions, I must reflect and listen to Him. It’s not like God is keeping his love a secret from me, but rather that He is screaming at me to come and receive it. It is I who am closing my ears.
It wasn't until after this thought that I remembered my motto. Once I heard myself realize that and say my motto in my head, it was hard to hold my tears back. I can’t have enough gratitude that we have such an infinitely loving God. I love Him, because He has first loved me.
God works through all things. When I submitted this motto to google classroom I thought it would be easier to forget. I didn't really have anything in mind that I wanted to reflect on or any specific area of my faith life that I wanted to grow in. And when I had to reflect on “what I wanted my pilgrimage to be about” I wrote down the first thing that popped into my head. It was daunting -- what do you want this pilgrimage to be about. How am I supposed to know what God is calling me to change? It’s impossible to know His designs, so why am I wasting my time trying to guess what He’ll reveal to me? My solution to this was to quickly turn something in and forget about it. It wasn't until we were in Rome for a day or two that I realized just how important Mr. Cole thought these mottos were to the pilgrimage.
In the early evening of our second day on pilgrimage, we went to the Church of the Gesu. This was the church I had done my presentation on in class, so when we got there I went straight to the things I thought I would want to see. Inside the church are the right arm of St. Francis Xavier -- one of the cofounders of the Jesuit order -- and the tomb of St. Ignatius. After visiting those two places in the church, I checked my phone for the time. 15 minutes had passed since we entered the church and I thought I had seen everything. Wondering how I should kill the rest of the time, I saw one of my best friends sitting in a pew a few feet from me and writing in his journal. I thought to myself. I’ve always had this cliche dream of having a spiritual journal, filled from cover to cover with the most amazing spiritual insights, that would someday be read by millions of people. Well, I wasn't exactly there in the process just yet. I had only written one page in the last three months. So I asked Jacob, the friend I had now sat down next to, what do you write in your journal? Is it all just prayers? Or do you just reflect on your day? Or do you just write whatever your thinking about? His answer was that his journal was a combination of those things. I began to think of my idea of what I wanted my journal to be. I said to myself, forget that I’m just going to start writing whatever I want. So I began to write what I was thinking about. Reflecting on this moment now, I can definitely say that my thoughts were guided by the grace of God. I thought I would be able to summarize my thoughts here, but I think the best way to share my thoughts is to just give them to you directly. Here is the excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that day:
There is a desire in my heart for love. A burning passion and longing for someone to share every second of every day with. I know God has placed it in me. I know that it is a calling from Him for me to pour myself into this loving relationship. However, I don't know who I am being called towards. Is this a call to the married life, or God telling me that He wants to play that role in my life. It seems senseless to be wandering if God can really satisfy that desire because of course He can. He is the one source of genuine, true, perfect love. But I find myself wondering if He really can. Well, not so much that, but if I am really capable of receiving that love. In my mind, love is manifested through physical means. You can have a conversation with someone you love, enjoy being in their presence, and know that they love you by their actions. Can God provide these things? I have been taught that he can. Prayer is a conversation with, adoration is quite literally being in His presence, and of course the creator of all things good and holy has given me an infinite amount of things I am grateful for. I think these doubts surfacing are because I think I understand love well enough. Maybe I am not sure that God can provide that love for me because I haven't experienced it like I have human love. Since I don't think I have experienced it to its fullest, it is harder for me to trust in its reality. This doesn't sit well with me. The thought that I am doubting God’s love feels wrong. I know it's real. I have felt it. And yet, how quickly I forget. God is calling me to open myself up to Him more than I every have. To commit myself more firmly than I ever have. After all, I have been hearing for years about how sweet and satisfying the love of God is. Why am I so apprehensive to truly seek it? Love is not give and take. Love is all give regardless if you receive anything from the other person. Yes God loves me more than anyone on earth possibly could, but in order to fully receive that love, I need to love Him. In order to have those conversations with Him, I must pray. In order to spend time with Him, I must spend time with Him in adoration. And in order to know that He really loves me through His actions, I must reflect and listen to Him. It’s not like God is keeping his love a secret from me, but rather that He is screaming at me to come and receive it. It is I who am closing my ears.
It wasn't until after this thought that I remembered my motto. Once I heard myself realize that and say my motto in my head, it was hard to hold my tears back. I can’t have enough gratitude that we have such an infinitely loving God. I love Him, because He has first loved me.
Lord, may I love like you do
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